So today, in the Men’s bathroom at work there were signs posted in every direction asking for the boycott of toilet paper. Not just any toilet paper, Daycon brand toilet paper. Being that this is the only toilet paper the University of Maryland actually has, to the students here this is a very special brand, because it’s the only one there is. If for some reason half the campus actually signed the petition and even then in the slim chance that the University actually cared what their students had to say about bathroom supplies and dropped Daycon as their provider, what then? Would they have a mass burning of all their toilet paper? or would they just allow the supply to dwindle and hopefully in that time period make another deal with another company? What will the petitioners think when they have to resort to leaves? or even *gasp* buying their own toilet paper? Would it be sweet victory when they’re stuck on the bowl without even a square to spare? 

In all seriousness, Daycon isn’t being very fair to its workers, but I’m not really sure if picketing is a great way to complain about not getting paid enough. Yeah, if you weren’t aware, that’s what the “unfair labor practices” means. No they’re not packaging human meat as food, so, to me at least, this sign is a little misleading.

My greatest question though is

does this mean there were women in the men’s room?

I hate you for ruining the chance to make the world awesome. 

Though it’s most likely for the best.

it’s the latest craze, 3D!! Not only can you submerge yourself in a movie with surround sound, it can now punch you in the face. The only problem is that it’s not really 3D. 3Ded 2D movies aren’t really 3D at all, they’re more like very dark holographs, masquerading as a genuine 3D movie. 

Pictured: analogy

For a movie to be 3D, it actually has to be filmed in the 3D format, like when a movie is filmed in IMAX format to actually be in IMAX theaters. Most movies are filmed in the traditional format, then are reformatted into “3D”, they do this because the increase in ticket price is far beyond the actual cost for such an update. Making a 2D movie into 3D is the equivalent of burning a CD on your laptop, does that necessitate a $10 price hike? This process has become so popular that almost every movie is released in “3D” as well as its original 2D, overcrowding the movie market and leaving everyone to fight over theatre space. Despite these questionable practices, these movies will continue to be pumped out in order to make a quick lucrative buck. Movies like Star Wars (because George Lucas hates you) and even Titanic (why in the world would I need to watch a ship slowly sink in 3D?) are coming back to theaters in 3D in order to cash in, leading to even more competition.

Just think how much more exciting this would be if it were in 3D!

Basically if it’s not called Avatar (still haven’t seen it) or Piranha 3D (I’ve heard this movie contains a 3D penis, btw) it’s not actual 3D and therefore should be avoided. You’ll be doing everyone a service, because, quite frankly, this has gotten ridiculous.

Sorry, I needed something to rant about.

Why the hell wouldn’t I be human? What else would I be? I get that I could be some kind of data mining program or something but whats wrong with the simple yet ridiculous “type the incomprehensible text into the tiny box” method? I guess the unreadable text is because robots can read, but their evil robo-vision can not decipher crossed out tilted letters.

see here’s an easy one, but watch out for those Terminators

Using these failsafes is great for Amazon transactions and creating website accounts but what the hell kind of computer program watches videos? 

This is a human detector test for a video. It has a timer. Seriously?

Here’s another test you have to pass in order to watch a video

Oh no! Not Frogger, anything but that! Apparently the robots don’t have good hand-eye coordination. Too bad that these games never actually work…

Even Uncle Sam is getting in on the act with a Sesame Street color match game.

I’m not sure what happens if you hit the wrong colors, it most likely blows up your computer in order to save the internet from evil hackers out to destroy the internet

Here are some examples of how these anti-machine tests have worked:

That is indeed the sweet smell of victory

Well now that the internet is safe from our would-be robotic overlords, I think we can all sleep safe and sound knowing that we’ve prevented the creation of the Matrix. Unless…

They’re teenagers, get it?

and still no one cares

Chronologically, this makes perfect sense

The Easter Bunny wants revenge for it’s chocolate-ed brethren

The Doctor is out (look it up)

Say it ain’t so Eric Matthews, say it ain’t so!*

Don’t worry, there is context for this: the Icelandic Phallological Museum

—-

*fear not Boy Meets World fans, that’s not really him, Will Friedle is actually off being the Batman of the future

Today I received a call from my bank telling me that a ‘merchant’ that I used my card with had been hacked and credit card numbers, including mine, were taken. At approximately 4am this person tried to use my card to make a purchase, but was stopped. Thankfully when I used my card today to pay for my lunch I had no problems, I guess the bank knew how important my Chic-Fil-A was. So now I have to get a new card so these people can’t get to my money in the future, so thanks a lot and…

FUCK YOU. GET A JOB.

last time I checked this was not a career path:

“i’m the CEO of laziness!”

Seriously you and the guy who keeps sending me emails claiming to be the rightful prince of Côte d’Ivoire need to play more World of Warcraft before John McClane stars in Live Free or Die Hard pt. II: Retribution and kills you little bitches dead.

Pictured: Justice

Thanks for the mildly annoying inconvenience, better luck next time.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been on plenty of websites where, on the side of the screen, along with the ads, is this woman:

At first it appears to be an important newscast brought to you directly from the advertisement box, but then you realize it’s a news brief on the latest Ipad (obviously very important).

Vital information for your everyday life.

Is this an ad that looks like a news story or does this reporter have the worst job in the history of media journalism? With a little bit of luck you’ll be able find other “news reports” (unless you have something completely better to do)

EXAMPLE: http://www.dailynews7.com/health/Britney-weight-loss.html

 like this

and this

and even this (why does this picture look so familiar?)

Well I finally had enough of this woman peddling her convenient deals all over my screen, so, like any angry internet user with a lot of time on their hands I searched for answers. To be more specific I Googled “Consumer Tips Digest” and a suggested search came down titled “Consumer Tips Digest Girl” clearly someone was on the same page as me. 

Google images turned up quite a few results 

I discovered an illegal cloning ring. 

or more logically: 

but who likes logic anyway?

On WikiAnswers I found this:

…the French…

I looked it up and sure enough she’s a French reporter who has been whored out to scam people into clicking on her face. 

Watch out for this temptress of the internet and her evil clones.

This may come off as racist, but think about it, when’s the last time you saw a movie with a black person in it who’s main personality trait wasn’t ‘being black’? And if you did think of someone, don’t worry, that was probably fixed in the sequel.

Consider this:

Transformers: a cluster fuck of Shia Labeouf running around (like all his movies), Michael Bay trademark explosions (like all his movies), random soldiers getting killed, giant killer robots (apparently the least important part of the movie) and superfluous amounts of Megan Fox (seriously, how about more giant robots instead?)

there’s also this guy:

He’s obviously a minor character, so it’s not really that bad, but he still gets in his much needed lines (courtesy of IMDB):

USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: Bring the rain! 

USAF Master Sgt. Epps: [playing basketball] Check out this crossover, like Jordan in his prime going through the front line…! (I can honestly not remember this scene)

here’s him again interacting with the other black guy in the movie:

USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: What’s that? Freddy Krueger been up in here or something? 
Glen Whitmann: Oh, no, man. Freddy Krueger have four blades, man. That’s only three. That’s Wolverine!

thanks for the input guys!

All in all not that bad, however, in comes Transformers 2 and what do they do right off the bat? They add these cinematic horrors into the mix:

racist. as. fuck.

Not only are they the most stereotypical black people in film, but they’re also giant robots basically pretending to be black (since they’re, well, robots). I can honestly say that these two pieces of wasted CGI ruined the entire Oscar worthy production that was Transformers 2. They stole the spotlight from Bumblebee (the yellow guy), who was actually just stealing the spotlight from Optimus Prime (who died, AGAIN) so I’m sure you can tell that I spent the majority of the movie in a day-ruining nerd rage. I won’t give you any quotes from these two scholars because, quite frankly, everything they said and did made my brain bleed. Disney still beats them out of course:

now das racist.

Next up:

I know, I know, he holds a special place in my heart too, but seriously take a look at these:

“I just knocked yo’ alien ass out”

“AAWWW Hell Naw”

Was Fresh Prince of Bel Air a great show? Yes. Are most of Will Smith’s characters overwhelmingly black? probably not. Does Will Smith still make good movies? usually.

Ok bare with me here while I make the first reference to the Matrix Trilogy since 2003. In the first (and only!) Matrix movie, Lawrence Fishburne somehow avoids becoming ‘that guy’, and in a movie like this, that takes talent. Well, here comes the sequel, complete with Jada Pinkett Smith, determined not to be outdone by her husband:

Yeah great outfit Mrs. Shaft

Then we have Don Cheadle, quite possibly the exception to the rule about black people in movies. He’s in there because he can act, not because he can flex his muscles holding an oversized gun or yell out ‘hilariously’ well timed exclamations. He’s actually just about the complete opposite direction from that, well until this happened:

“Shiiit we dead now, Tony”

Somehow throughout this I forgot to even mention Denzel Washington, so i’ll admit that i fail on that front. He’s a great actor who makes a living out of yelling and being angry and yet somehow he’s able to make a movie 50x better from his presence alone. Probably because he focuses on making the character relatable to everyone, rather than just focusing on some unnecessary catchphrase. I mean he was even in a Shakespeare movie! and wasn’t even the evil black guy, in fact he was the nice white guy and it worked great:

yeah, in hindsight this may sound racist, but this isn’t about black people, it’s about another stupid trend in movies that just seems to be continuing on and on. Look, I’m not saying that every black person should be like this:

but at the same time, they’re not all like this: 

Why can’t there be more black characters who just happen to be black, instead of having to point out their ‘blackness’ in every one of their scenes (maybe then a black person might survive passed the first act of a horror movie).

Is the amount of quality black actors in Hollywood that thin? or am I too white to understand the fundamentals of black culture that is represented in cinema? (probably) or is Tyler Perry actually a genius?

*It has come to my attention that black people actually enjoy these characters and find them funny, so if that’s true than disregard this post (except for Transformers 2, I stand by that) but if that’s true than who actually enjoyed this guy:

maybe it’s racist and head-bashingly annoying only if a white guy makes it (thanks George Lucas and Michael Bay!)